New Jokes
Fresh and Funny!
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"
What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf?
A creature that sucks blood from your knees.
Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One suggests to the other: “Do you want to hear a really good joke?”
The other fly replies: “But nothing disgusting like last time, I’m trying to eat here!”
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
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It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
I was going to start a Procratinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
A guy helps an old nun across the street.
She: Thank you very much, young man!
He: No problem. Batman’s friends are my friends!
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
Truly delicious tofu recipe:
1) Chuck the tofu.
2) Fry a juicy steak.
I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the Moon!
What are mixed feelings?
Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
The slow swimmer.
A question on an internet forum:
Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.
A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?
The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.
Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.
Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2016: I just shaved my legs.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?
Your fingernails.
>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
I hope the children will never find out why I say ‘oooops….” so often when I vacuum their rooms.
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?
A: About two days of no drinking.
Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.
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And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
"So what are you doing today?"
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"Nothing."
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"What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!"
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"That's right, and I'm not finished yet."
This is dummy text. It is not meant to be read. Accordingly, it is difficult to figure out when to end it. But then, this is dummy text. It is not meant to be read. Period.